vehement adventure

a new blog

2006-06-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

I've MOVED!! It was time for something fresh and wonderful. My new blog can be found here.

COME VISIT ME!

on being conventional...

2006-06-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

If God had wanted to be conventional, Jesus would have been born to parents already married so as to avoid any scandal. But he wasn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, Jesus would have been in the warmth and cleanliness of a bedroom with some sort of medical assistance. But he wasn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would have turned his back on us because we had turned ours on him. But he didn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would have sent his son to deal with us in a way that would strike fear into our hearts. But he didn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would have favoured those who looked good, did the right things and lived a decent life. But he didn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would have made our lives a misery because we owe him so much. But he doesn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, we would have had to pay for our mistakes. But we don’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would have kept the Trinity from being broken. But he didn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, Jesus would have rode into Jerusalem on the finest stallion. But he didn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, Jesus’ disciples would have been the cream of the Jewish society. But they weren’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, Jesus would have stayed in the synagogue with the Pharisees and the elite. But he didn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, Jesus’ life would have been a bed of roses. But it wasn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, Jesus’ death would have been quick and painless. But it wasn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would want us to stay safe and out of harm’s way. But he doesn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would want us to ignore the down-and-outs. But he doesn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would have given us a long list of rules to obey. But he doesn’t.
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would be too haughty to have a personal relationship with us. But he isn’t.
How has the Body of Christ, the Church, become so conventional?
If God had wanted to be conventional, he would have wanted us to be the same. But he doesn’t.

Don't sell-out... be unconventional

relationships are hard work...

2006-06-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

Relationships are hard work. Let me tell you- relationships are hard work. I think anyone who has ever been married or really commited to making a relationship work for the long run understands this. Relationships may be easier for some than others, but they are never actually easy.
I'm quickly learning what it takes to make a marriage work- a lot of work. It's the most wonderful thing. I get to pour my time and energy and love into Mike Drews and amazing things will come out of that. I've heard that marriage is both the hardest and the most rewarding thing i will ever do, and I believe that. I know that the harder I work at marriage, the more I sacrifice, the greater I love and serve Mike, the better and more rewarding and wonderful my marriage will be.
My relationship with Mike and my marriage to him is the second major commitment I am making with my life after my commitment to follow Christ. The metaphors of Christ's relationship to the Church (the community of believers) as a marriage between a man and a woman are abundant in the bible. So my relationship to Christ and commitment to follow him can be compared to my relationship to Mike and my commitment to love and serve him forever. But what relationship is more important? My relationship to Christ is far more important than my relationship with Mike. And if it has first priority, my relationship with Christ will overflow into a more wonderful and loving relationship with Mike.
Which brings me back to relationships being a hard thing. I know that if I am lazy in my relationship with Mike and expect everything to work out on it's own, eventually things will start to go wrong. And the same goes for my relationship with God. But if I stop working on my relationship with Mike, things will start to go bad and it will end up being bad for me. It is in my personal interest to pour into my relationship with Mike. But something is different with my relationship with God. God will not stop loving me if I stop showing love to him. God will not become fed-up and give up on me if I give up on him. God keeps his end of the relationship no matter how much I quit on my end. So I can become lazy in my relationship with God and it won't automatically come back and hurt me. But in the long run, just like in my relationship with Mike, the harder I work at my relationship with God the deeper and more rewarding it will be.

ode to dave

2006-06-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

dave is cool
i'm glad he is my friend
i wish he weren't moving so far
the end

the adventure continues

2006-06-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

I finally feel settled back in Madison, and I have to say it, I don't really want to move back to Chicago at the end of this summer. It's so wonderful here! Madison is a great summer city- between the terrace and the lakes and everything else, this is a great place to be outside in the summer :)

I ran my first "FiftySix" on Thursday night, the summer ministry i am leading for fifth graders going into sixth grade in the fall. It was SO MUCH FUN! I am so excited to be going into Youth Ministry. It's just so fun to be interning this summer because I love it... I enjoy work! (Who would have thought that was possible?) But it makes me so excited for my future career... I think it is going to keep me alive. There is nothing like spending a night with fifth graders to remind you how to just have fun and play. How easy it is to forget how to have some crazy fun with a volleyball and a basketball hoop (we made up a new game called "vasketvoll" haha).

With only six weeks left until the wedding, I am spending a lot of my free-time planning. It's crazy how much you have to think about. I am also getting REALLY REALLY REALLY excited. I AM GETTING MARRIED! Wow, it's so great. Mike Drews just makes me MELT and it is so awesome to look at him and know that in six weeks we'll be MARRIED. There is so much that needs to happen between now and then, and I feel like I should be more prepared, but really, how can you ever be prepared for marriage? I am excited to get married and to celebrate with my friends and family. Yay! Mike and I are also going through pre-marital counseling now, which is great. It's really good to sit down and just talk about our relationship, plus Matt, the pastor who is marrying us, is awesome.

I'm also working at EVP this summer- a "madison original". The coffeeshop is amazing to me. Most of the customers that come in are regulars that visit a few times a week so I am starting to get to know them by name. The customers are awesome to us Baristas and tip really really well and I am having a great time getting to know my co-workers. Working at EVP is so wonderfully madison and it is so great to be tied to the community by serving everyone who comes in.

dissonance

2006-05-16T21:46:00.000-07:00

disÂ·soÂ·nance
Pronunciation: 'dis-&-n&n(t)s
Function: noun: inconsistency between the beliefs one holds or between one's actions and one's beliefs

So I have this belief. I believe that global warming is happening, that it can be completeldevastatingng to our planet, and that the way you and I live every day is causing it.

Now, to get rid of the harsh discord, my actions must match my beliefs. If I keep adding to the global carbon dioxide emissions, then I also must feel some responsibility for the devastation from global warming happening now and in the future. I cannot ignore it... either I change the way I live or I must take responsibility for what is happening. This is not simply an issue to leave up to tree-hugging-environmentalists or activist zealots, but for everyone who cares about doing the right thing.

Here is what is already going on in the world from global warming:
-The number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes has almost doubled in the last 30 years.
-Malaria has spread to higher altitudes in places like the Colombian Andes, 7,000 feet above sea level.
-The flow of ice from glaciers in Greenland has more than doubled over the past decade.
-At least 279 species of plants and animals are already responding to global warming, moving closer to the poles.

And here is what is going to happen if we don't all do something:
-Deaths from global warming will double in just 25 years -- to 300,000 people a year.
-Global sea levels could rise by more than 20 feet with the loss of shelf ice in Greenland and Antarctica, devastating coastal areas worldwide.
-Heat waves will be more frequent and more intense.
-Droughts and wildfires will occur more often.
-The Arctic Ocean could be ice free in summer by 2050.
-More than a million species worldwide could be driven to extinction by 2050.

So what can you and I do? Well, a WhOlE lot of simple and cheap things.
SO CHECK IT OUT.

www.climatecrisis.org
click on "take action" then "what you can do"
pllllllllllllllllllllllllease (that's right! i'm going to beg you!)

mAdIsOn

2006-05-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

I made it back to madison and through finals. This past week has been a whirl-wind of activity... a wonderful one :). Last weekend I came back to Madison by bus and drove back down for Sunday and Monday night. I took my last in-class final monday morning, moved all my stuff out of my apartment, and got to my final class of the semester... i drove back to madison, moved into my old apartment, and made it to the final few hours of Blackhawk study day. One looooooooooong monday!
The rest of the week was spent on my take-home finals that i e-mailed in to my professors at North Park. This weekend Jillian (my old roommate) and lots of my roommates' families were visiting Madison. I saw two of my roommtes and best friends graduate. (It's a very sad end of an era.... and i can barely believe it.... After four years, it's hard to believe that our time as a family is coming to an end.) There were celebration dinners, ice-cream, graduation pictures, a giant homemade Mexican dinner and fiesta, and way too much speed-scrabble (best game ever). Sunday I spent mother's day with Mike's family... soon to be my second family.
And today? Well, to round-out the week, I started a new job here in Madison at EVP coffee. I have to say that it is well on its way of being my favorite job yet (and I've had about 16 now... maybe 17). Loving people over a cup of coffee- you can't really get better than that. I'm working on getting wedding invitations done and hopefully mailed out by the end of the week. And I'm enjoying the fact that I get to see my beloved fiance every day.

Life is good.

woah!

2006-05-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

This is my mom's from college. It was just too cool for me to keep to myself. One, college was CHEAP then. $4090 for 5.5 years? Heck yes!
Second, my mom was smart! Those GPAs aren't too shabby for a Computer Engineering major. (and italian!)
Which brings me to the finally sweetest thing- she studied in Italy for a year!

I gotta say, my mom was one cool college student.

wedding planning

2006-05-01T08:50:00.000-07:00

So, I'm wedding planning... and it's not always easy. Anytime you try to plan something that works for a lot of different people and makes them all happy you run into a lot of problems. But I'm learning through all this, whether I like it or not, that you just need to do what's easiest a lot of the time. It's a tightrope, as my maid-of-honor lindsey reminded me, between fighting for what you want and just doing whatever is easiest and letting your desires go. I'm trying to stay as far far far away from being a Bridzilla, but still, sometimes I just want to whine, "but it's my wedding, so make it workout for me my way, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" It's not normally my personality(at least I hope not!), but when it comes to weddings, birthdays, and other big days I somehow got the idea that the world is supposed to revolve a little more around me on those days than during the rest of the year. So i'm struggling to fight my own selfishness and remind myself that my life isn't about me... it's just harder on some days than others to really make that idea stick. God help me...

OnE

2006-04-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

We all have one life,
we don't live forever
Carpe Diem, right?
so how are you going to make the most out of your few precious years?

We all have a choice,
find the most fun and pleasure in each day
or to use our life as part of something bigger than ourselves
to be part of some great cosmic and eternal movement

You have one life
so what is it going to be?
Will you live it for yourself,
or will you live it for something unimaginably bigger than you?

i'm excited!!!

2006-04-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

Yes! As of this past Saturday, I have less than three months until I am married to the amazing Mike Drews.... I cannot wait! Three months, then married!!! I cannot wait to be his wife....

And, in only two and a half weeks I'll be moved back in to my apartment in Madison. A summer of wedding planning, living with my best friends, spending time with Mike, interning at Blackhawk (so exciting!), and playing out in the sun.... I am so excited for madison- for going home :)

resurrection

2006-04-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend helped me understand the resurrection a bit, the wonder of Easter that leaves me in awe and confusion. For the past four days I felt like I came alive again. After a hard week of little sleep, exams, papers, and quizzes, I was burnt-out. I missed Mike, I missed my roommates and friends in Madison, I missed feeling at home, I missed really living life instead of trying to survive it. And then I went back to Madison....

It started out with a long ride home with Mary that left me inspired. (I only wish we had more time in one city together!) After managing to make it through the most amazing display of lightening and hail I have ever seen, I made it home to my apartment in Madison. After just two seconds inside, I was thrust out on the front porch with two other roommates and told to wait for a surprise. Two of my roommates had set up an Easter egg hunt around the apartment for the rest of us, so I ran around like an excited four year old collecting plastic eggs filled with chocolate candy and putting them in the mixing bowl I was using as an Easter egg basket.

I spent the weekend with Mike, Lindsey, and Lisa... three of my absolute favorite people in the world. It's the people that really make you feel at home, you know? I got to go back to Blackhawk church, to play volleyball in the street, to stay up late and drink sweet beer and play pool, to meet new people, to read in the sun, to plan wedding stuff with my maid of honor, to buy new clothes (a rare experience), to watch several episodes of Friends, to cuddle on the futon with people I love, and to feel at home. I spent easter with my family and with Mike's, eating too much and finally learning that I really really do love being with family.

This weekend I felt free, I felt free to be myself, I felt free to love those I care for, I felt free to be happy. I was alive, once again.

change

2006-04-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

I wrote the word "change" on my wrist the other day. When I really want to remind myself of something, I write it on my hand or wrist. Sometimes it is "make doc app" or "finish paper", but more often it is "love" or "one" or "forgive" or something along those lines. So I had the word "change" on my hand and I think my friend thought I needed to stop and get change for laundry or something. I hate when people ask me why I have these things written on my hand because it becomes terribly awkward most of the time when I answer. My response to why the word "change": "because I want to remember that we have the power to change the world." How was the poor girl supposed to respond to that? (I need to start writing these words somewhere less noticeable, but then again, I wouldn't see it either if I did that.)

I want you to stop and ask yourself, do you believe that you have the power to change the world? Or have to passed that idea off as naive and know that no matter how much you fight the world will be exactly the same? I believe that you can change the world, although maybe only in a small way. But if you do not believe it for yourself, my confidence in you does not mean much. This is going to sound cliche, but I need you... I need you to believe that what you do with and in your life can really change the world. If you do not believe this, it is only going to make it harder for the rest of us who do.

getting to class

2006-04-04T11:25:00.000-07:00

Every morning, Monday through Friday, I face the challenge of getting to class on time. To get to school, I ride my bike a few blocks to the bus stop, put my bike on the front of the bus, ride to school, then bike ride the last few blocks from the bus stop to campus. The whole commute takes 35-45 minutes, depending on how fast the bus gets to my stop.

Some days the ride is a relaxing pause before really getting the day started. I eat some breakfast on the bus, read, and maybe call a friend.

Other days, the bus ride is horrible. Take yesterday. It was pouring outside when I left for the bus stop. Most of the time, if it is raining I walk to the bus so I can use an umbrella, but I was running late already, and walking takes forever. So I biked in the rain, and by the time I got on, my pants were soaking wet, my hair and face were wet, and the bus was packed with wet people who don't like to walk in the rain. I kinda just wanted to stay home....

My favorite days, though, are the interesting ones on the bus. The bus is filled with all sorts of people so I observe all sorts of things. This morning, a man sat down next to me, and although I was reading my book the entire time, he decided to start a conversation with me. He was shorter and dressed nicely. He looked like he took care of himself, except his hair was really really thin and bald in spots and his teeth looked like they needed a dentist badly. He told me he was on his way to the social security office (which is on my route to school) because he is having trouble getting disability money. He went on to tell me about his life. He got married two years ago and had been doing well at work. He hadn't gone to college, and never had an amazing job, but he was making ends meet. A few months ago he found out he had stomach cancer and was undergoing chemotherapy (hence the thinning hair). He could no longer work because he was too weak or too sick too often to make it to work consistantly. He filed for disability because his wife works 40 hours a week as a checker at a grocery store, and they can't make ends meet on her income. And what happened? Social security offered him $100 a month. How is this man supposed to pay for medical expenses, food, and rent on $100 a month? Here he is, really nice, really friendly, no mental illnesses, no addictions, no problems except he got stomach cancer. And all of the sudden everything falls apart. When you are living on the edge of poverty and your health goes, where are you supposed to turn? Because, although $100 a month is better than nothing, this man and his wife cannot make it without more help. Who is there to catch them when they fall?

balance

2006-04-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of writing a ten-page paper on Ezekiel chapter 1, so other than explaining the significance of wheels with eyes in the rim, I don't have much to say right now. I did do a little reading on my bus-commute to school this morning, and found something that I think it worth reading and considering. Like it or not, here it is, straight from Relevant Magazine (the latest issue):

"I need to talk about contemporary Christianity. There's something that concerns me. We've seen so much abuse of the term "Christian" lately that many of us are now hesitant to be associated with it. We may serve God and be followers of Jesus, but we don't want to be associated with the bigoted right-wing extremists who are known only for their judgemental statements and boycotts. We believe Chrsitians should be known by their love. (I think John 13:35 says something along those lines.) We cringe every time we see Pat Robertson on the news. So, we do everything we can to not be identified as one of those Christians. We try to get outside of the Christian bubble, love others, be open minded and live in freedom. So we drink- but just in moderation, of course. We cuss, but just for humor or effect. We watch movies that our pastor wouldn't, but it's because we're a lot more in touch than he is. We criticize TBN, cheesy Christian music and everything else about the Christian subculture. We hang out at bars and clubs, originally to be "light in the darkness", but now really just for a good time. And here we are, without even realizing it, living exactly like the world."

For further thoughts on this idea, i suggest listening to Chris Dolson's sermons called "A Balancing Act" (part one and two)
http://www.blackhawkchurch.org/resources/sermon_lib.php

honesty

2006-03-22T19:18:00.000-08:00

honesty is both a dangerous and amazing thing.... a lesson i learn over and over again

On a completely different note, i would just like to say that my (soon to be) in-laws are amazing people and i am so blessed that by marrying Mike I get to become part of his family... it's very exciting! I get to be a DREWS!!! (yes, I cannot wait) I know stereotypically that people find things with their in-laws to be difficult, but if you think about it, having a second family is amazing. There is a new group of people that you get to love and experience life with, a group of people who share bonds greater than friendships, a group of people who become part of who you are. I'm excited about gaining a second family, especially one as amazing as the Drews family.

my spring "break"

2006-03-20T06:08:00.000-08:00

This spring break made me realize a few things...

Mike is absolutely amazing (ok, so I already knew this one, but sometimes it just needs to be said again) Mike put up with an awful lot from me this week, and always did it with grace- quite amazing ;)

I really really miss my friends in Madison- I have a great roommate and a few close friends, but other than that, it's just all small talk with acquaintances around here. I'm lonely and being lonely hurts. That's about it.

Wedding planning is a moral debate for me. I am having a terrible time getting my mind to wrap around the fact that I really do have to get into the "wedding game". What is the game? It is a game of materialistic consumer-driven wedding planning. A game of dress shopping (where alterations and accessories can easily cost more than your dress), a game of gift registering (where you impulse shop for everything you'll need over the next 15 years), a game of finding a caterer (where you pick a person to serve food at 3x it's actual cost). There are few ways out of the game, and if you want to marry someone, other than eloping, you pretty much have to play the game. I hate the game- I'm sick of the game- it makes me hate myself for playing it. But there is no choice. So I'm playing the game and trying not to hate myself too much for doing it.

"Home" is a fluid term right now. As soon as I left for college the confusion began. You have home with your parents and home at college with your friends. Spending summers at home at the parent's house keeps the feeling that that is really your home, but as soon as I started spending summers away, that feeling faded. Home can't be a place you just visit. So home became my apartment in Madison with my roommates, and living with the same girls for almost four years gave me a strong sense of family. But now I live in Chicago, am returning to my apartment in Madison for the summer, then moving to Chicago with Mike in the fall. So what is home now? Well, I spent spring break at my apartment in Madison (unfortunately without my roommates) and still feel like it is my home, but I know it's not. So home? Well, it's not really a place anymore. Home is a place where you can be yourself, where you feel safe, where you are comfortable, where you can "unwind", where you are loved. So this break I realized that my home (as cliche and corny as sounds...) is simply in Mike's arms. (So either you just said "awww" or wanted to throw-up.)

And last night. A long bus/el ride home from Madison to Chicago spent realizing how broken I am... or to use a less churchy word, how screwed-up I am. I hurt others, I have a hard time giving myself grace, I long to only love but fail miserably, I give up far too easily sometimes, I cry when things get confusing, I think of myself first, I am a hypocrite, and I have a horrible time remembering I am unconditionally loved, forgiven, and present with God. I sat on the el last night reading my bible, and a few seats away from me was a homeless man. There were teenagers sitting around him that left when he sat down because he smelled and they moved to sit behind me. As they made fun of the man, I knew I should go talk to him. Not to make an example for the teenagers but because he needed to be loved- to know that even though he may not be able to shower or change clothes, he was still a human. He needed dignity. But what did I do? I stayed in my seat, reading my bible and listening to the teenagers make fun of the man. Do I want to be something different than I am? Desperately... but the road to holiness seems to be one of a step forward followed by two steps back.

So spring break... a week of growing up, i guess.

staring in the mirror (a response to dave's comment)

2006-03-10T09:58:00.000-08:00

First off, you need to go ahead and read my previous blog first then Dave's comment on it. Once you're done doing that, come back and read this post.

Ok, so Dave's comment was enough to elicit another post instead of just a comment on a comment. My rampant frustration comes from the world around me and the knowledge that things could be different. If things couldn't be any different than they are, then my frustration would be for nothing. But since the world can be different, I feel justified in being frustrated, because now it has a purpose. (Can i justify frustration that way?)

But, the hard part of this frustration is where it comes from. Not only am I frustrated with the problems in the world around me, but I'm frustrated with me. I AM THE PROBLEM. My own desires, actions, selfishness, pride, materialism, laziness. I AM THE PROBLEM. And how can I fight the problems I am frustrated with in the world when I see that they start with me? So I have to stare in the mirror and say "I am the problem".

As JC said, "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye (Matthew 7:4-5)." It is all about being able to realize "I am the problem". But what if you can't get the plank out of your own eye? How are you supposed to talk to someone else about pride or selfishness or materialism when you know you are driven by the same things? Since we can never be perfect, how are we ever justified in asking anyone else to change? But we can't simply never say anything, right? So it must start with me, but then what?

rampant frustration

2006-03-05T15:23:00.000-08:00

I am so FRUSTRATED right now... typically I try to restrain my frustration and turn it into fuel to change what I am frustrated with, but right now it's just rampant frustration boiling inside me.

I am frustrated by how the world works, by christian culture, by money controlling our lives, by the need for Christianity to be 'safe', by the lack of genuine community, by fake people, by pride, by the games people play to get ahead, by the fragileness of relationships, by everyone's' self-centeredness, by lack of passion and welcoming of complacency.
I'm frustrated by the hypocrisy that surrounds me, by the materialism, by the lack of purpose people have for their lives, by the search for self-fulfillment, by the blindness to injustice and the laziness that keeps us from acting out against it, by the fact that other people aren't frustrated with how screwed up this world is and perfectly happy with it.
I'm frustrated that people feel lonely in a world of 7 billion, that people go hungry when my trashcan is filled with food, that people get bored when there is a world of work to do to change the world.
I'm frustrated because all I want to do is start yelling at everyone, but I know it wouldn't help one bit.

to be known...

2006-03-02T14:28:00.000-08:00

I think it is human nature to want to be known, and I'm not talking about someone knowing who you are, but someone really knowing you and understanding you. I see it everywhere. Take blogging- this phenomenon alone is a testimony to our desire to be known. We want others to know how we think and what we value enough to blog about. We want to be understood and valued ourselves.

I miss Madison a lot. I love Chicago, but spending this past weekend at Snowcamp with Blackhawk Junior High made me miss Madison. I loved snowcamp because I love spending a weekend talking about God, hanging out with the most amazing seventh grade girls, and playing in the snow. But I also loved this weekend because I was known. There is something powerful about being surrounded by people who really know you. It's real community. It's a chance to be free to be yourself.

I talked to Tess, one of the seventh grade girls, about what she loved best about snowcamp. Her answer? She loves being around people that she feels like she can say anything to. BH Jr High is a place where she is known- something hard to come by when you are in the seventh grade. We spent a lot of the weekend playing truth or dare (only with out the dares) or having "question panels" (which basically meant the other leader and I were grilled by the girls) or staying up late into the night just talking about anything and everything- all attempts to really be known. There isn't a topic that we can't talk about and there is nothing we really hide from each other. We have formed a real community- where we are known, where we can be vulnerable, where we are accepted.

So for now, I remain unknown in Chicago, seeking a place where I can be known.

reality

2006-03-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

i hate knowing the truth but not actually feeling the truth
so much of faith is like that
there is a break from what you know is reality and what you experience as reality

dresses

2006-02-21T10:51:00.000-08:00

So I had 10 minutes between class and a meeting and I decided to look online at wedding dresses. If I am really careful, maybe I can find a dress for under $500... I don't think I spent the much money on clothes over the last four years combined.

Lord help us...

...

2006-02-18T21:53:00.000-08:00

wedding planning is not easy- at least not in 5 months

the proposal story

2006-02-17T09:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, can I just say it is CRAZY that I am getting married in a few months. This is WONDERFUL CRAZY and not foolish crazy- but either way- whoa. So, it hasn't even been a week since I got engaged and I have a completely different perspective on a lot of things in my life. I'm not taking marriage lightly, nor am I planning on using the next few months just to prepare for a wedding- I want to prepare to become one with Mike. Wow- I'm so excited to share life with him!!!

So, here it is... the story!

Mike had driven down to Chicago two weekends ago and was going to drive down this past weekend and this next weekend to visit me. We've been trying to see each other every weekend during this long-distance period. I didn't want him to have to drive down to Chicago three weekends in a row, so I offered to by a bus ticket and come up to Madison. Since I can't afford to take the bus to Madison too often, we had to decide if I would use the money to come up last weekend or if I would wait. On the Tuesday night before last weekend, at the end of our conversation on the phone, I brought it up and we decided that I would take the bus up to Madison. Now, you need to know that I was kinda hypothesizing when he would propose, but since we made plans so last-minute and Mike wasn't pushing for me to come to Madison, I wrote-off the weekend and decided he wasn't going to propose.

I was planning on catching the bus at 7am on Saturday morning and getting to Madison around noon on Saturday, but once Friday rolled around, I couldn't wait that long. At 6pm on Friday, I called Mike and asked him if he could pick me up if I came in late Saturday night, and he said yes, so I packed and caught public by 6:30. Unfortunately, I had to take a city bus, the El and then a coach bus to get to Madison and had a 45min wait in O'Hare, so I didn't roll into the city until midnight Friday night. Mike and I went straight to to the Great Dane, a restaurant/bar near the capital in Madison, where my roommate, Linds, was a new server. We hung out there while Linds finished her shift and got home late.

I had suggested that Mike and I host a dinner-party for all of our friends on Saturday so I could see everyone, so Saturday afternoon we went grocery shopping and spent the afternoon making soup, salad, and breadsticks for our roommates and friends. While making dinner, Mike told me he had dessert for everyone but it was in the freezer at his house (which is 2 houses away from mine in Madison). We had dinner and it was soo soo great to see everyone. Once we were done, Dave (mike's roommate) and Krissy (Dave's fiance) said they had made plans with another couple we knew and they got going. A few minutes later, Mike asked me if I wanted to go grab dessert from his house with him, and I said yes. We ran over to the house, and before we went inside, Mike gave me a long hug at the door. As we stepped in the house, we heard Dave and Krissy leaving out the back door and no one else was home.

Mike and I walked into the kitchen and he gave me a long hug and good kiss. Then I suggested that we grab the dessert and head back, because everyone would be waiting for us. He said he first had to show me something or grab something from the back or something like that, so I followed him towards the back of the apartment. The door to the back room was closed (which it never ever is) and there was a glow coming from around the door. Once I saw that, I knew something was up! He opened the door, and as soon as I saw into the room, I knew what was going to happen.

The room was completely cleared-out and the tables where covered with white cloth and tons of little tea-lights and rosepetals... wow. There was a vase of a dozen roses and a bottle of champaign on ice with two matching flutes. (Most of this prep is thanks to Dave and Krissy. They had come in, lit the candles, put the champaign on ice and snuck back out the back door. After they left, they went straight back to my apartment and told all of our guests and roommates what was going on.) Mike told me to sit down on the floor (which was covered with blankets) and he sat down across from me. He pulled out a letter he had written, read it to me, and then proposed. The letter made me tear-up, but as soon as he asked that beautiful question, "Will you marry me?" all my emotions turned to pure joy and I said "YES!" like 20 times.

We stayed in the beautiful room for an hour or so, and I think I kept saying "we're getting married" in the hope that it would really sink-in. We had a little champaign toast, then decided to bring the rest of the bottle back to celebrate with our friends. It was SO fun bursting back into the apartment and having so many people we love just waiting right there for us. We got to tell them the story and celebrate the engagement. I had thrown my own engagement party and didn't even know it!

So the past few days has been an amazing blur of no homework, staring at my ring (which is BEAUTIFUL), daydreaming about getting married, calling everyone I have ever known to tell them the big news, and spending hours on the phone with Mike trying to get this wedding-planning started.

Mike and I had to make another big decision this week. And much more than what season we wanted to get married or how long we needed to plan, we had to decide this summer or next. This summer would mean a quick engagement (like 5 months) and then Mike would quit his job, we'd find an apartment together in Chicago, and I would finish school married. Next summer would mean a long engagement (16 months), next year apart, and then I would move to Madison after I was finished with school so he could keep his job. Well, it didn't take us long to decide we didn't want to wait, so this summer it is!

I'm getting married to the most amazing man I have ever met in five months. I am SO lucky... and so crazy in love with him. He is unbelievably amazing...

wow

the adventure continues

2006-02-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

Ok... so quick review of my string of major 6-month changes

2 years ago- i become a christian and meet mike (we're just friends) and decide to do youthworks over the summer in duluth
1.5 years ago- i quit engineering in the middle of my youthworks summer and know i am supposed to be a youth minister and I start dating mike
1 year ago- i decide to do Center for Student Missions Chicago over the summer and decide I am going to apply to the Secondary Math Education Program at UW-Madison
6 months ago- while working for CSM I get accepted to the Secondary Math Education Program but turn it down and instead decide to transfer to North Park University to major in youth ministry, I decide to do one last semester at UW-Madison (this past spring semester) and work everything out to transfer
today- i get engaged to Mike and am a new student at North Park University and decide we probably want to get married in six months
6 months from now- i get married?

Oh MAN... the past two years I have changed more than I ever thought was possible. I don't even know the Maria I was two years ago. I was not passionate about the things I am now- I barely knew they existed. As Will Smith would say, "my life got flipped, turned upside-down".

I am lovin' this adventure...!

Mike texted me this morning while I was in class and all it said was "baby, i'm freakin excited!!!"
I am too- wow- so so soooooooooooooooo excited. :)

perfect proposal

2006-02-12T21:53:00.000-08:00

I got engaged to Michael Douglas Drews on Saturday, Feb. 11th....

I'll be editing this blog soon to share all the amazing details.

I'm SO lucky- I get to marry the most amazing man I know!

(more to come...)

day three

2006-02-08T11:09:00.000-08:00

So, this may sound a little weird to some of you, but I think God has been trying to tell me something lately. I believe God talks to people in a lot of different ways, and most of the time it isn't a booming voice from the heavens. I can def give a few examples of clear instructions from God in my life and even more examples of ambiguous little nudges from Him. Well, right now I feel like God is doing a little more than nudging me...

If you get to know me pretty well, you'll find out three of my biggest passions are Jesus, social justice, and racial reconciliation issues. You can tell by what I get excited to talk about, what books I read, and well, what I blog about. I think Jesus, social justice, and racial reconciliation issues are all tightly tied together, and as a Christian who is passionate about these things, I'm trying to figure out where I fit. And how my passions for social justice and racial reconciliation fit into youth ministry.

Over the last three days I've been almost hit over the head with these three things- Jesus, social justice issues, and racial issues. Conversation after conversation after conversation has come up about them. First with Jon, the youth minister at Blackhawk, about my views on being an urban or multi-ethnic youth group minister. Then, a long conversation with a new North Park friend about racial issues on campus. Last night, I randomly went to a bible study and we spent the whole time talking about Martin Luther King Jr and racial reconciliation issues. After I got back my two social-worker roommates and I got into a long conversation about social justice issues- especially human trafficing and all the laws and politics going on world-wide because of it. Then this morning, I go to chapel at school and it's a black-church throwback service (SWEETNESS!) and I find I feel more at home there then the normal more "white" chapel services they have other weeks. After chapel I went to "chapel-chat" and talked with a few white students and our campus's pastor, Rev. Alise. Rev is black and spent the sermon in chapel talking about how "black is beautiful" and preaching out of Song of Songs chapter 1. IT WAS AMAZING. And so was talking to the students and becoming even more aware of racial issues on campus and the role of chapel to try to break that down. Beyond all these conversations that keep poping up, I find myself longing to break out of the white bubble I find myself in. Although I am meeting a lot of people of different ethnicities, I know that I want to become part of a multi-cultural community here on campus. I miss FOL and UGC in Madison, and I can't seem to find any beautiful mix of whites and blacks and other races like that here. Oh, to live in a segregated city...

So what's my point? My point is that I now know that I cannot retreat back into the homogeneous white culture that surrounds me and must keep seeking out places and people where I can be part of a beautiful multi-ethnic community. I need to find my home here in Chicago, and it cannot be among only one racial group- white black latino asian or otherwise. God keeps hittin' me other the head with things and I'm starting to get the point. I start tearing up when I hear about racism (or get fuming angry). I get frustrated when there is racial issues that aren't being dealt with among Christians. I keep longing to be part of a multi-ethnic community and youth group. God has shown me who I am and what I am passionate about- and after three days of being surrounded by it, i'm starting to really hear Him.

where is hope?

2006-02-01T11:28:00.002-08:00

Last semester I was lucky enough to be able to take Women's Studies 103 at Wisconsin. It was one of my favorite classes I ever took there, probably because it covered so many important issues we don't really get a chance to learn about elsewhere. One of these issues was domestic abuse. Unfortunately, domestic abuse is extremely widespread in this country, yet it is something that goes very undetected and unknown. Your neighbor, your friend, your classmate- they may all be victims of abuse. Abuse is about power and control. (Mostly) men are exerting power and control over women in the forms of physical, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse. A man may never ever hit a women and still have the power to do an extreme amount of abuse. More than anything else, in abusive relationships, you cannot underestimate the power of a threat. You would probably do whatever your husband or boyfriend wanted you to do if you thought disobeying would cost you your children, your friends, your finances, your job, or your life....

Today I got on the bus to school, like I do every morning, and a stop or two later a couple got on the bus. The woman was dressed fairly nice and had big sunglasses on even though it was a dreary morning here in Chicago. The man following her got on the bus mumbling a dozen swears under his breath and waving his hands around. They came to the back of the bus and sat across the aisle from me. The man seemed to be drunk or high and had a 7-up bottle sticking out of his jacket pocket. It was not 7-up... The women sat silently, but the man went on mumbling swears and evenually attempted to start sucking on the woman's neck and kissing her. She kept trying to tell him to stop and he wouldn't. She tried to push him away, because she was stuck next to the window, but he wouldn't move. He just got angry that she wouldn't let him kiss her, so he started to yell at her in Spanish and kept on hitting the seats and the windows and bars on the bus. He tried to take off her dark sunglasses, but she wouldn't let him. So he got even angrier. He was acting like a 2-year-old on a temper tantrum. He continued to yell at her in Spanish, and she just sat there silently looking straight-ahead. Everyone was avoiding the back of the bus, but I was kind of stuck there. I was afraid to look directly at them, because I didn't want the man to get angry with me for trying to get into their business. He went on yelling, and every once and a while he would switch-over to English to make some threat or another, or to swear.

Right before they got up to get off the bus, I heard him say, in English, "I'm going to fuckin' kill you. [then he hits the bus window-hard] I'm going to fuckin' kill you- you're worthless." And then they leave. As we pull past them on the sidewalk he starts swearing and yelling at the bus, and then we're gone. The woman never said a thing, except, "stop that" and "no". She didn't fight him, she didn't look around for help, she just put up with him.

What was I supposed to do? How can she be freed? How can he be stopped- how can people like him be prevented?

Is she going to live? Because statistically, a lot of physcial abuse cases end in murder...

PaSsIoN

2006-01-31T21:38:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those days when you are reminded of everything that you are madly passionate about? Today was one of those... and right now, I am crazy in love with-

Chicago- yes, living in this city just makes me feel ALIVE

The Bible- i have never loved or studied a book that was so amazing, magical, and life-changing... i stand in total awe of this book that i can barely grasp and that still has the power to RADICALLY change the world

Social Justice Issues- what can i say? I love studying them, talking about them, and finding ways i can personally help change them...

Youth- so you'd hope i love youth since i want to be a youth minister, but today i was reminded how PASSIONATE i am about youth that are hurting... i can't even begin to explain how much of a burden God has placed on my heart for hurting teens

Mike- so, i've avoided blogging about him long enough- i am crazy in love with this man and it's so hard to be apart from him right now (i won't go on, for those of you who don't want to read my sappy feelings towards him)

Sometimes i feel like i love too many things, because i get all excited and overwhelmed by all the amazing things and people in my life. Is that possible? To love to many things too much? I hope not.

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT PASSION...

find something to fall madly in love with

too close

2006-01-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

i find two things happen to my emotions when i am living in the city- fear and tears

i end up on the brink of tears more often than i would really like because of all the injustice around me- from racism, to poverty, to hopelessness- i want to cry because i have so little to offer anyone and don't really have any solutions- i want to cry because somehow i ended up privileged and so many others did not- and i don't know if my tears are a sign of weakness or compassion, but i just hurt- that deep-aching in your soul kinda hurt- for some of the people i meet and some of the injustices i see

and i become more afraid, not from being scared of being mugged or robbed or harassed, but afraid because i realize that there isn't too much between me and poverty- i know that i have privilege and education and opportunities- but still, poverty is so close and life is so unpredictable- this fear is a fear i know i need to get over- God's going to take care of me- in poverty or not

when i'm here in Chicago, i just feel more alive, i feel like i am apart of this living thing that is the city, i feel pushed to act and cannot find room to slip into complacency

jumping in front of buses

2006-01-24T14:00:00.000-08:00

Today, for the first time in my life, I road my bike down Chicago city streets. Most people don't venture to ride their bike in Madison, much less the streets of Uptown, but I did it. I found the fastest way for me to commute to school is to ride my bike to the bus then ride the bus towards campus, then ride my bike from the bus stop to campus.

So, while waiting for the bus to school this morning, I witnessed a homeless man- he may have been drunk- step out in front of a car in a busy intersection. The man did not have the right-away and, luckily, the car was able to stop suddenly and mostly miss the man. I don't think the car did more than bump the man, but the man was lying on the road by the time i could see what was going on. He got up a little and some people helped him to the sidewalk, and within a few minutes, the ambulance came.

So the stir of women at my bus stop quickly turned to the "accident". They talked about how many times they had seen the same scene before- homeless men stepping in front of nice cars hoping they may be able to sue later on. They talked about how the city has stopped ignoring the lawsuits of these men in order to discourage them from thinking they will win any money.

Throwing yourself in front of a moving car hoping for money in return for physical injuries. So desperate for money you are willing to put your very life at risk just for the chance of winning a lawsuit.... imagine the desperation.

from the journal of maria....

2006-01-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, here it is, straight from my journal (!)

1-22-06
Dictators of the world- how lucky we are to live in America, where we share values of justice and democracy and human rights. We battle injustices in the inner-cities and materialism and laziness, but still, we have so many things to be thankful for. For so long I've been stuck on the things I hate about America, but really, we have it pretty damn good.

What if we want to overthrow a dictator? Say in North Korea or Zimbabwe or Burma... What if we have the power to overthrow a terrible terrible dictator and government that is power-hungry and exploiting their citizens? What shoudl we do? Is it better to free a country from oppression at teh cost of a brutal war, or should the dictator remain in power to maintain peace and avoid war? Which is the lesser evil?

This world is a terrible terrible place; from dictators to AIDS leaving millions orphaned, to the materialism and self-absorbtion that runs rampant in the US. What is the solution to all these problems? How can we "save the world"?

The power- the answer- the solution MUST lie in the power of the gospel. It just must.

So how does enough power to change the world lie in the gospel? Where does it lie? It seems that the power of the gospel lies in it's call to die to ourselves. In it's insistance on ending self-absorbtion and trading it in for God-absorbtion. We are called to die to ourselves and in turn become part of something SO MUCH BIGGER than ourselves. And, if we could all die to ourselves and instead live for God- the God who calls us to love all He has created, then we have given the gospel power to change the world. We must live it out, and in working in us, the gospel would have unstoppable force.

Die to ourselves, live for Christ, stop being self-absorbed.

This gospel must be lived out by looking at ourselves in teh mirror and saying "This MUST start with me." We may not be able to overthrow powerful dictators, but we CAN fight our own need for power. We may not be able to end injustice, but we can act justly and love mercy. We may not be able to end materialism, but we can give that next dollar to the poor instead of putting it in a new shirt. We may not be able to end suffering and sadness, but we can sacrifice and put others' well-being before our own.

We CAN change the world- but it MUST start with ourself.

Transfering

2006-01-18T11:25:00.000-08:00

So- not a very clever title to the blog, but the truth. Transfering is just about all that is going on in my life right now. Leaving Madison and moving to Chicago and leaving UW-Madison and starting at Northpark University.

I am living in an apartment in Uptown, which is about a 20 minute busride east of Northpark University, about 4 blocks from the lake. I spent a lot of time in the neighborhood this summer and love it a lot. The lake is close, and so is a Starbucks, Borders, and Aldi's (all the essentials!). The rest of the neighborhood consists of apartments and rows of little stores. Don't let the Starbucks and Borders fool you- other than those stores, not much else is recognizable from the 'burbs. My neighborhood is Chicago's old theater district, but when the theater industry died in the 30's and 40's, the neighborhood became overrun with drugs and gangs. It has bounced back over the last few years and is now becoming "yuppie". Unfortunately, as a middle-class educated white girl, I am part of this "yuppie-facation" of Uptown. yuck I'm living in an apartment currently leased by Wheaton college. They have a semester-long program called "Wheaton in Chicago" and I was supposed to live with the girls in the program and my friend from this summer, Ashley. Unfortunately, there was one more Wheaton girl than expected so I was relocated to an apartment below the Wheaton girls. Ash is moving in this friday and then we're going to get some random roommates in a week or two.

I spent Thursday and Friday here in Chicago with Mike. I moved all of my stuff into the Wheaton apartment, which consisted of placing everything in one giant pile in my room, then sleeping on a mattress with a blanket and pillow. (I knew I was probably going to be moving so I didn't want to unpack.) Mike had to sleep in the Wheaton guy's apartment because part of my Wheaton sublease form says that males can't be in female rooms. We already broke that rule, but I didn't quite have the audacity to have Mike sleepover.

I spent an AWESOME weekend in Madison. I celebrated my roomie Lisa's birthday, spent all of Saturday night out on the town with my favorite 7th grade girls, and sang with UGC at the Capitol for a MLK celebration. Roomies, Mike, and UGC- it just doesn't get much better than that. :)

Monday I took off for home as soon as UGC was done at the capitol and I said a few teary good-byes to my favorite people. I drove home, drove my mom to Kenosha, got on the Metra to downtown Chicago, walked to the Green line, transfered to the Red line, and took the El to my neighborhood, then walked the few blocks home. After spending 6 hours going from Madison to Chicago, I started dreaming about having a car. (Don't worry- it's never gonna happen.)

Yesterday was my first day of class here at NP, and dang some things are different. It's SMALL and my classes are SMALL. Like 35 people small- that is barely a discussion at Wisconsin. And I have some of my classes with the same people. It's like a glorified high school. But the classes seem sweet and the professors are awesome. I'm excited about liking class- and I really think I am going to like class (plus they seem easier than UW-Mad- YES!) It's weird to be on campus and know most people are Christian. Actually I don't really like that. I don't really want to live in this little Christian bubble- but you can't really go to a public school and study Youth Ministry either. We prayed in one of my classes- prayed! Weird- that's all I got to say. Last night I also checked out the NP Gospel Choir and it was also pretty sweet. I mean, it could never be as good as UGC, but it is rockin'. Unfortunately it's the whitest gospel choir I've ever seen, which I didn't expect because this campus is pretty diverse. hmmmm

I am already kinda sick of riding the bus to school. It's a 30 minute ride, but I have to walk a few blocks to get to the bus and then walk a few more to get from the bus to campus, so I have to leave for class 45 min before it starts in the morning. I have already vowed to live on campus next year.

Today I successfully made it to class on time for the second day in a row. (I'm proud of myself.) After surviving Spanish (which I think will be much better than at Mad- other people don't seem to know what they are doing so I don't feel bad being spanish-stupid either) I went over to the Center for Student Missions office. It was weird going back up there- as unfamilar as this campus feels right now, once I was in the office I was back home. I had trained there, had meetings there, and even lived there a few weeks this summer. I was also greeted by the familar faces of Keysha and Taylor (my supervisors from this summer). They let me hang around for an hour then we went out to lunch at Panera.

Which brings me to now- where I sit in the NP library (there is only one on this campus as opposed to the 100 at Madison.) Unfortunately I gotta cut this short or I'll be late for class. It's time for Hebrew Prophets!

Catch you later!

still not an adult...

2005-12-27T23:20:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm making all these decisions lately that will effect the rest of my life. How am I, now 22, supposed to know what I want for the rest of my life? Do I trust myself enough?

Who am I, anyways? In the past few years of college my identity has been so fluid. Believe me, a few things have stayed the same between when I entered UW-Madison and when I left it, but many more things have changed. So how am I supposed to know that who I am now is really who I am and not just a person I am for a few months on my way to become someone else?

And do I want to stop being so "fluid" and instead "settle-down" on who I am? I love that new experiences and relationships keep molding me over and over again- but am I finally supposed to settle on something and hold-tight to that character and personality I chose?

Whoever said that you discover yourself during adolescence was stupid. I didn't begin finding out who I really was until after I turned 20...

The future scares me. MY future scares me. I am afraid that instead of holding onto the good parts of me and working on the bad, that I will become lazy and just let the good parts become bad. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to change into everyone else or fit some mold society has me pegged for. I don't want it. Maybe I am just starting to be faced with growing up for real and it scares the crap out of me, but really, I just don't want to do it. If growing up means settling-down and becoming predictable, then count me out. I just don't want it. I am scared of becoming lazy and letting my life slide from the adventure it now is to the path-of-least-resistance... onto the path of normalcy. YUCK. I am afraid my decisions will be dictated by fear and by the status-quo instead of my passions and my heart... This scares me so much I want to cry when I think about it.

I don't want to grow up and buy a christmas sweater. I don't want to grow up and come home from work every day tired, make dinner, clean-up from dinner, maybe read for 15 minutes, and then start the whole thing over again the next morning, all the while wishing for the weekend that I can spend doing more housework and errands. I don't want to stop living life simply because embracing life takes motivation and effort.

Where does Jesus come into all of this? How does he plan on giving me life at it's fullest? Is getting married, getting a house, settling into a job for twenty years, and raising kids really what it's about? I just don't want it. Maybe someday I will, but for now, that does not seem like life at it's fullest to me... That doesn't mean that other people can't have that life and have it feel incredibly full and joyful, but I just know that it isn't me.

So how do I resist the path that seems the safest and the most "normal"? And what if I feel God leading me down that path, despite my current fear of it?

I just don't want to be normal... I want LIFE... I want ADVENTURE... I don't want predictable... I don't want safety... I want LIFE AT IT'S FULLEST

blessed

2005-12-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

sometimes things just get too big or too hard for me, but again and again i am blessed by love and support from friends... amazing

magic in madison

2005-12-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

There are over 40,000 students here at UW-Madison. When I was about to move into the dorm my freshman year, I was scared and nervous. I had the typical "What if no one likes me?" fear, but I kept telling myself that out of the 40,000 other students here, I would at least find a few I could be friends with and who would like me.

But I never expected the magic that happened at UW-Madison. Out of those 40,000 students, there were 1,100 in my building freshman year and 70 on my floor. And out of those 40ish girls on my floor, 5 of them became my FAMILY. There is no doubt that something magical happened when I ended up in Sellery 10A (the penthouse baby!) and found my Madison family.

For the past few years I have lived with the same 5 girls- although we've lost a few along the way. Sophomore year it was Carla, Jenn, Kristen, Linds, JB, and me... 3 pairs of roommates from 10A. Junior year, and still in the same sweet apartment, it was Jenn, Kristen, Linds, and JB. And this year, its Jenn, Linds, and I, and Kristen on weekends (she's doing an engineering co-op). Carla has gone her own way and JB has had the audacity to move away from us and get her PhD at UConn... but still, we're family.

I didn't realize how unique and amazing it has been having the same roomies for 3 and a half years until Jenn brought it up a few nights ago while we were "studying" for our finals at the Journey. I have had something magical and special, and short of a "real" future family, I'll probably never have it again. We've gone beyond friendships and became a family- the kind that can support you through the thick and thin of college and everything that goes along with it. We've celebrated together, cried together, complained about school a whole lot together... we've given each other advice on life-decisions and cleaned up each other's trash and dishes. We've bought each other's food and made each other coffee. We've waken each other up to make sure we don't miss exams or class and we've convinced each other to skip class every now-and-then to relax together. We've talked to each other on AIM from across the apartment and called each other from across the country. We're a family... and in a few weeks I will be moving out, once again, unsure if we'll ever be back together again. And, sure, i'm sad, but i'm also content- I have had something so special, and I'm just glad I had it while I did.

(i love my roomies!)

goodbyes passing me by

2005-12-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of finals and my mind is so bent on worring about my spanish exam tomorrow morning (if I haven't had the chance to complain to you yet- i hate spanish) that i can barely realize the goodbyes passing me by.

Every day I leave another person here in Madison, thinking that somehow I am going to be tightly tied to them in the future. But who knows? Like tonight, I had to say goodbye to all of my life-group girls. I have spent a year and a half getting to know and loving these 7th grade girls. They have given me something to look forward to each week, they have continually reminded me why I want to go into youth ministry, they have made me laugh out loud like no one else can, and they have challenged me over and over... yes, a group of seventh grade girls can do that. And I just said goodbye to them.....

But for now, I can't really dwell on that. I still have a LONG night of spanish ahead of me...

joy!

2005-12-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

there are a few moments that are a slap-in-the-face reminder of the reason i love youth ministry- the students

puppylover: ru going 2 dock???
puppylover: omg
Mia3Chia: no
puppylover: last one
Mia3Chia: yeah
Mia3Chia: i know
puppylover: WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Mia3Chia: i know- i suck
puppylover: MARIA HOWEVER U SPELL UR LAST NAME
Mia3Chia: haha
puppylover: WHY NOT
Mia3Chia: cuz i gotta study for a final
Mia3Chia: BUT I WILL be at lifegroup
puppylover: THEN BRING IT AND WE'LL STUDY THERE
Mia3Chia: haha
puppylover: BUT U HAFF 2 COME
Mia3Chia: i need a computer
Mia3Chia: tess- don't worry
puppylover: ILL FIND ONE
Mia3Chia: you'll see me sunday
puppylover: BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Mia3Chia: hey- who is the knight in shining armor on your buddy icon?
puppylover: PETER
puppylover: FROM THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
puppylover: HE'S ONE HOTT KID
puppylover: well he's 18
puppylover: but w.e
Mia3Chia: haha
puppylover: we need to talk about my bf!!!!!!!
Mia3Chia: what?!?
puppylover: jk
puppylover: jk
puppylover: jk
puppylover: i don't have
puppylover: 1
puppylover: :-(
puppylover: but not really sad
puppylover: id want 1
Mia3Chia: when i was in middle school my best friend and i made up imaginary boyfriends as a joke
puppylover: lol
Mia3Chia: and we'd talk about them all the time and saw if anyone would believe us
Mia3Chia: we pretended hey looked like leonardo dicaprio
puppylover: haha
Mia3Chia: i ate chocolate icecream for dinner
Mia3Chia: and now my stomach hurts
puppylover: lol
puppylover: i had chicken
puppylover: and broccoli
puppylover: and salad
Mia3Chia: all healthy like that
Mia3Chia: i c
puppylover: and some of those pretzels with the chocolate on them
Mia3Chia: trying to show me up with real food for dinner
Mia3Chia: ok- that's better
puppylover: lol
Mia3Chia: chocolate covered pretzals

injustice

2005-12-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

The World Food Program chief appealed Saturday for urgent funds to keep an airlift flying to quake-ravaged areas through the winter, calling it "the most difficult" logistical task the U.N. agency has ever faced. Fearing a second wave of deaths, soldiers and emergency workers have been racing to get food and proper shelter for survivors of the Oct. 8 quake that killed 87,000 people in Pakistan and India. Most of the deaths from the magnitude-7.6 temblor were in Kashmir, the Himalayan territory divided between the two countries but claimed in entirety by both.

The WFP has accepted responsibility for feeding 1.3 million people, while 3 million are getting assistance from the government and 150,000 from the Red Cross. WFP director James Morris said the agency has enough capacity to keep making aid flights to remote areas through January but needs about $65 million-$70 million to fund the air operation until April 30.

"This has been the most difficult task that WFP" has even been given, Morris told a news conference Saturday. Trucks, donkeys, horses and Himalayan trekkers also have been used to reach the most remote areas. "We need substantial help, and the helicopters are critical, given the weather, the rugged terrain and our need to preposition a huge amount of food in places throughout the affected area before the weather gets terrible," Morris said. "The worse the conditions become on the ground, the more heavily we will rely on our helicopters. We have never had a crisis where the use of helicopters was so critical." Doctors struggling with a constant flow of patients in Muzaffarabad, the capital of Pakistan's part of Kashmir that was hit hard by the quake, warned that the number of sick could swell as frigid cold sets in. At least eight deaths have been blamed on the cold. A total of 234 patients with winter-related ailments were admitted within the past 24 hours, said Bashir Rahman, medical superintendent at the state-run Abbas Institute of Medical Science hospital. Seven had pneumonia.

"The situation now is under control but in the coming days it could get worse, especially for people living at high altitude," he said. Dr. Abdul Hamid of the Pakistan Islamic Medical Association, which runs a field hospital in Muzaffarabad, said 174 people with respiratory tract infections, flu, fever and pneumonia had been admitted in the past two days. Muzaffarabad's skies were cloudy Saturday, but relief helicopters were flying. Pakistani soldiers are building 5,000 shelters a day. Aid workers say most of the hundreds of thousands of tents that already have been distributed cannot give quake survivors adequate protection against the cold, and sturdier corrugated iron shelters should be used. The army has constructed about 30,000 such shelters. Officials said they also are especially worried that hundreds of thousands of people who live at the higher elevations may be forced to come down to refugee camps as winter wears on, creating crowded conditions and possibly sanitation problems.

Jan Vandemoortele, the U.N.'s top aid coordinator in Pakistan, said Friday that a "colossal job" lies ahead since more people are expected to flow into the camps as the weather worsens. "We remain on a knife's edge," he said. "It may get worse before it gets better."

why do these people deserve to die after a natural disaster that they had no control over while I get to sit here in my warm apartment typing on a several hundred-dollar computer?

no, you cannot just pick "c"

2005-11-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so if you had read a few blogs ago, I really value honesty. I am going to ask a question and see if I get any honest responses. (I challenge you to this one!)

Does anyone else get sick of the answer to almost every question of doubt, "Lord's ways are mysterious, but everything is ultimately for the best, and one day we will understand, so just have faith"?

To either questioning non-christian or christian, that seems to be the black-hole answer to questions about God or faith or life. You can throw any question at me, and maybe I could come up with a few good hypothesis, but eventually I would probably end up back at, "Lord's ways are mysterious, but everything is ultimately for the best, and one day we will understand, so just have faith." Does that always satisfy you? Because, quite frankly, it usally leaves me longing for a "real" answer. But if you don't except that answer, then you are heretical or lack faith, and no Christian really wants that, so we accept the answer and (at least for me) pretend it is satisfying.

So back to my question- does that answer bother you? Does it satisfy you? Do you use it? Do you believe it?

middle schoolers, i can relate

2005-11-28T06:04:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing that really really haunts me, it's being left out. Since middle school, if I was ever left out of anything, I have been deeply bothered by it. I wish it were something I would have grown out of more, but in cases when I am simply irrationally and intentionally left out, I still feel that same sting as middle school. Fortunately, the reason for the pain has changed (at least something is growing up!) When I was in middle school, being left out hurt because I wanted to be part of what was going on, and I was afraid I was going to lose friends. My reaction to being left-out was to get angry and seek revenge. Now, being left out hurts because I feel like I am not a good enough friend, and that so I was not invited. (It's different from a middle school "not good enough"- it's not that I feel I am not popular enough or something like that, but more that my friendship hasn't proven me as "close enough" to the person to be worth inviting.) My current reaction to being left out is the same sting as in middle school, but I try not to get angry and instead get frustrated at myself for not being a very good friend.

In a way I hope this sting of left-outedness continues in my life. I hope to keep working with middle school girls, and they get left-out far more often than I do. So middle schoolers, I can relate. :/

in need of a spark

2005-11-27T11:57:00.000-08:00

Why would we long to be loved if there wasn't a great lover? Why would we search for something to ignite us if there wasn't one who could spark our passion? Why would we ache for healing if there wasn't a way to be made whole? Why would we seek shelter if there wasn't a place of safety in the storm?

Our deepest longings and needs... tell me why we have them if there isn't One to fulfill them.

compromise

2005-11-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

christians= compromise

it happens over and over and over

we think something, believe something, want to change something... but then it seems too hard or too big or we get rejected or or beliefs are questioned or no one else seems to think the same as us...

and all of the sudden we compromise

instead of spreading the gospel around the world because we think we can really change peoples lives for eternity, we end up sitting at a desk somewhere pounding-out 200 pages about evangelism because we know we can at least write a book on it

that's compromise

Jesus would ride the bus

2005-11-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

I know Jesus traveled a lot by walking or by boat, but I am pretty sure that if Jesus where alive today he'd be on the bus. Particularly City of Madison bus #5 headed from UW-Madison to the South Transfer Point- that would be Jesus' ride. I take that route Monday-Thursday to get to work and back, spending a total of four hours of my week on the bus. I LOVE those four hours because I have no choice but to sit on the bus, listen to music, and read. But, as much as I crave time to read my book, I get distracted a lot by the rest of the people on the bus- in a good way.

There is one thing in common for all us people on the bus- we don't have a car or a motorcycle or moped (at least probably not one that works). Or maybe we do have a car or motorcycle and just can't afford to get it repaired, had or license taken away, or cannot get a license in the first place. So who is on the bus? Well, mostly the disabled, the homeless, the poor, teenagers, other ride-less college folk like myself, and every once in a while some out-of-towners or ecological do-gooders. But this is why I think Jesus would ride the bus... because Jesus would want to be where the sick, the poor, the youth, and other "untouchables" of our society hang out.

Today I rode the #5 from work to campus for Gospel Choir rehearsal. I got on and sat in the back, glad to be out of the freezing cold. As I sat alone in the back, a young boy came to the back of the bus and sat down a few seats away from me, and then a few seconds later, sat down beside me and started reading my book over my shoulder. "What'u readin'?" he asked and "what'u listenin' to?" So I told him about my book and gave him one of my ear-buds. We spent my 30 minute bus-ride talking, listening to the Fugees, and sharing chips I was taking home from work. He was in sixth grade and on his way home from an after-school program.

I have no doubt that Jesus would want to be on the bus just for that- for a half hour with a curious 6th grade boy sharing old chips and a single pair of headphones.

2005-11-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

love just changes everything, doesn't it?

surviving swim practice

2005-10-31T10:33:00.000-08:00

When I was a sophomore in high school I joined the swim team. I had never swam competitively before and had only taken lessons when I was in grade-school (and actually hated them at the time), but somehow I ended up being the best breast-stroker on our team, which meant I was suddenly swimming varsity. eek! Although my breast-stroke was fast, the rest of my strokes weren't really ready to keep-up with the pace of the rest of the varsity team, but there I found myself... last in the lane trying to keep up with veteran swimmers.

Every practice I went in simply with the mentality to survive. I didn't want to move up in the lane, I didn't want to really work on improving my stroke in the middle of a hard set... I just wanted to make it through the two hours (and most of the time longer) hell of varsity swim practice. My swim coach was amazing- and also a hard-ass. He was the coach of the guy's wrestling team in the winter and insisted on working us like he worked the wrestlers. Gender equality, right? He would tell us stories about wrestling with a dislocated shoulder if we were sick or hurt. Great motivation, hey? (It worked on me- I found myself swimming with pneumonia for a few weeks that season- gasp.)

During swim practice one day, right in the middle of a hard set, my coach told me to get out of the pool. I was scared but also extremely thankful for the command to stop swimming. He looked at me and said, "Maria, I know this is hard for you, but one of these days you need to stop just surviving practice and instead come to practice practice." And then he told me to get in the pool and get going again.

you need to stop just surviving practice and instead come to practice practice

Lately that moment, now over six years ago, keeps coming back to me, but this time I am haunted by the thought...

maria, you need to stop just surviving life and instead start living life

I feel like I have just stopped really living life. I have instead gone on auto-pilot and am simply trying to survive each day instead of trying to embrace each day to its fullest. My passion has slowly started to fade away...

still white

2005-10-29T13:28:00.000-07:00

I sometimes feel at a disadvantage for being white. That should seem like a completely odd statement, because I realize that my whiteness brings me so much advantage. I have actually thought a lot lately about how I want to be black. That is also an odd statement- the wish to switch to what, in many ways, is the disadvantaged race in America. My desire to be black isn't based on some inherent "coolness" with being black or the wish to be a good rapper, dancer, or any other characteristic of African-American-hip-hop culture... I desire to be black because I feel like I would be better suited for what I want to do. My love lies in the inner-city and I would love to do ministry there, but because I am a white-middle-class-suburban-girl I not only look like I don't belong in many of the neighborhoods which I would like to live and work, but I simply would not fit in. (Quick-pause: realize I feel completely awkward talking about wanting to be black.) In some of the neighborhoods I got the opportunity to work in this summer, I was explicitly told by cops that because I was white, I was much more of a "target". How would I ever get the chance to work in the projects if I couldn't walk through them without sticking out? Would I be able to connect with students and love them? Two things lie in the way of me connecting with inner-city students: first, students like to talk to adults who will understand them and who they feel safe with. If I look like I just don't belong in their neighborhood, will they ever think I will be able to understand them or their lives? Why should they take a risk and let me into their lives, when from the outside, it doesn't look like I would understand. And secondly, I know that in many ways I won't be able to understand them or their lives. I can read and study and observe all I want, but since I haven't grown up in inner-city-America, I am going to have a hard time really understanding what it is like to be a teen in the city. So here I am, the product of a while-middle-class-suburban-childhood with the desire to live in the inner-city and love the teenagers there (of whatever race and background they may be.) But since it doesn't appear that I am "made for it", should I keep pursuing my desire?

coupon mom

2005-10-25T11:36:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I had a copy of the newest "Family Christian Store" catalog sitting in my mailbox when I got to work. I decided to hold off dealing with my mile-long checklist of tasks and take a look at what was inside. After skipping through christian home-decorations (com'on- do we really need tea-sets with bible verses painted on them?) I got to the women's interest section. I normally skip these books, too, because of things like the "Coupon Mom" book. Here's the description:
"Clipping coupons is such pain, 98% of us don't even bother. But you really want to save on your food cost! Get started right away with help from Stephanie Nelson aka. The Coupon Mom!"

(does anyone else feel sick right now?)

First off, what does that even have to do with being christian? And why is there a whole book just on cutting coupons? Does a women really need a whole book? And sure, saving money is a really good thing, but should you buy a $18 book to find out how (when common sense will probably be enough)? And what does this say about the role of christain women- our biggest concerns include coupons? It is one of only six books geared towards women in the catalog.

I should write a letter to the Family Christian Bookstore. Sure coupons are great, but really, should we be spending time reading a whole freakin' book about it? How about spending that time say, reading the bible, or with our families?

i'm white

2005-10-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

So if you know me, you may have already found out this startling fact... i'm white.

For years and years my whiteness went unnoticed by myself. If I was ever asked to give a description of myself, the closest reference to my whiteness would be the explanation of my Italian heritage. My own ignorance of my race presumably comes from white privilege and the fact that I grew up in white middle-class suburbia. I can count on one hand the number of meaningful relationships I had with people of color in the first 18 years of my life.

Now I find myself in a multi-cultural world; through church, gospel choir, and teaching ACE, I have managed to carve-out a multicultural setting for myself in the middle of white middle-class UW-Madison.

Working in Chicago this summer put me in multi-cultural settings all the time. Rarely did I work with white Chicagoans and instead spent time in African-American and Latino communities. The neighborhood I lived in (and will be going to school in next semester) was the most diverse of the 77 neighborhoods in all of Chicago. In one strip mall there were 4 shops, each with their sign in a different language, and none of them in English. (So beautiful!) Chicago let me see the heart of many ethnic heritages in the inner-city. It took the mystery out of what it meant to be from the "ghetto" (I hate that word) or part of a huge blend of languages and cultures. I had my chances to experience being the minority and sticking out like a sore-thumb. Sometimes I was simply called "white girl" because there was no one else to confuse me with. I became even more comfortable with cross-cultural friendships. We may be from different language backgrounds, different nationalities, different historical backgrounds, different socioeconomic groups, different educational backgrounds (and opportunities), different racial groups, different working classes, and different cultures, but we are all still just people. No matter how different two people are, they can still be friends. I talked for hours to a man just a few weeks out of prison, still trying to get over a heroin addiction, and living in the most notorious of the projects in Chicago... We should not have had a thing in common, yet we found so much to talk about. We are all just people... No matter what our color or our background.

.... i'll continue this soon

messy spirituality

2005-10-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Spirituality is... messy. Is the role of grace to smooth it out? To fill all the cracks, doubts, imperfections, flaws, and weak spots- is grace?

If grace can take the mess of my spirituality and turn it into perfection, then count me in. How could you turn that down? And that's exactly what I think my spirituality is right now... a mess.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. -Paul (2Co12:9&10)

I suppose I could boast for quite a while about my weakness. There is such a cultural pull for me to mask it, to hide my weakness, and act as the "strong and mature christian" I have been described as (yuck). I have heard too many times that we need to act strong because we can glorify God through that- through being a strong pillar of faith. But isn't what apostle Paul is saying the exact opposite? "Drop the act! Boast about how weak you are! Christ's grace can shine out of those cracks!"

I hate the act and can honestly say I value honesty so highly. And transparency- shouldn't we be transparent before both our God and each other? If we feel we have something to hide- isn't something wrong?

But do other people really want that? Do we want everyone else walking around with their messy spirituality on display? Do we really want to know how much other people are questioning, doubting, or even worse, how much they think they know it all? Do we really want to know the pain and struggle of others? Do we really want to know their sick, twisted, hidden, and dark... sins? (Let's not lie- they are there for all of us- hidden beneath the act.)

What if we started getting honest? What if we started getting real? What if we allowed ourselves to be "messy" in front of each other?

Or would we rather just not know what lies behind each other's eyes?

(The million questions are begging for an answer- so comment if you have some thoughts.)

PEACE

i'm a... youth minister?

2005-10-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

Hello errrrrrrrrybody!

I am learning so freakin' much about what it actually means to be a youth minister, and let me tell you, it's harder (way harder!) than it looks! But it's also a whole lot of fun. Here is my latest e-mail about YM... it will give you a good idea of what i try to accomplish in ten hours a week. ;)

Hello Everyone!

Here is an update of everything Youth Ministry at FOL: (It’s long, but please try to get through it!)

Our purpose:

First off, I want to let you all know what I feel my purpose is as youth director for this short period, where I would like to “get” before this semester ends (and I leave), and what I feel the role of youth ministry should be. The rest of the ideas/plans in this e-mail will make a lot more sense after that.

I believe the purpose of youth ministry is five-fold: (For any of you who read “Purpose Driven Church”, these may look familiar.)
1) Fellowship between Christian youth
2) Discipleship of youth in the church
3) Worshiping our Father together
4) Ministering to each other, the rest of the church body, and our community/world
5) Reaching out to non-Christian students in our community and friends/family
Right now we have a ways to go to reach any of those purposes as a group of youth in our church. Now onto the specific plans/goals I have from now until the end of the semester to start reaching these purposes:

Bible studies:

Before this semester ends, I would like to see at least one (and preferably two- one for jr. high and one for sr. high) solid and consistent bible studies for our youth lead by solid and consistent adults/college students in our church.

Starting with bible-studies would allow us to:
· Build relationships between the teens in our church (fellowship)
· Build relationships between teens and adults in our church (discipleship)
· Give students a chance to dig into the Bible, ask questions, and learn how to connect their faith and beliefs to their life & relevant issues (discipleship)
· Build a base of knowledge, relationships, and commitments so that we can go on to serve our church, community, and maybe even go on mission trips (ministry- eventually)
· Motivate students to share their faith with their friends and other people in their life and give them a place to invite their friends if they are interested in learning more about God (evangelism)
· Worship God by praying together and for each other, learning how to honor Him in every aspect of our lives, and listening to Him through His Word (worship)

Bible studies are also something we can do with few volunteers, a little space, and very little money/supplies yet they can make a huge impact in serving our youth and honoring God. Starting bible studies is something I would like to get going right away, and here are the steps I am taking to get there:
· I am meeting with Jon Anderson (Blackhawk’s junior high minister) to talk about bible study curriculum for both high school and junior high students and possibly borrow some of the curriculum from Blackhawk for the rest of the year
o Curriculum would allow us to be consistent from meeting to meeting about what the students are learning/studying even if the leaders aren’t consistent
o It would also give volunteer leaders less work than planning studies themselves
· Meeting with some of our high school and junior high students and discussing what they would be interested in learning about at a bible study and what else they would like from FOL Youth Ministry
· Looking for times to hold a bible study(ies) for our teens. Right now Wednesdays during Emerging Leaders class or Sundays during church service look like the best times. (I am open to other suggestions but these times would work well for families already coming to E.L.s or church service.) The frequency of the bible studies would depend on how many volunteers want to help out and how committed they can be.
· Looking for volunteers to help lead bible study. This is where I need your help!
o I cannot lead bible studies on Wednesdays because I have University Gospel Choir rehearsal- nor do I want to lead bible studies because it isn’t something that I can consistently do after this semester.
o I want to find leaders who are interested in building relationships with the students and sticking with them for at least a year (commitment is very important to our students).
o Leaders can rotate (say take on Wed. or one Sun. a month to lead a bible study) but they should be consistent with their once-a-month commitment.
o Sherry Lucille may be interested in meeting with the Junior High students once-a-month during church service.
o Please let me know if you are interested in leading a bible study, know someone who is, and when/how often you could lead! We can get them started as soon as we have volunteers on Sundays or Wednesdays!

The House:

I had some hesitations to going ahead with “The House” (the hip-hop worship night we were planning for Nov. 4th) given the purpose of youth ministry. I basically felt like it wasn't the right way for FOL to start/kick-off a Youth Ministry. Without enough committed volunteers, it would be a difficult night to pull-off. Our students have not been pulled together as a group enough yet to help with planning/setting-up/publicity. And the money and supplies needed by GX international could be used to do a lot of other things for youth in our church.
My hesitations all went deeper than the logistics. I realized that with limited time, money, and people to start a youth ministry, we have to start small. Pouring our time, money, and volunteers into sustainable bible-studies would be better than into hip-hop worship nights that we would not be able to sustain after a month or two. Also, if the point of the night is for students to invite their friends so we can share our faith, we need to be able to follow-up with students that come. Right now there is no way to do that at FOL because we can't yet invite them to youth bible-studies, etc, and we don't have enough people to follow up with them one-on-one.
I talked to Pastor Gee about all of these ideas this past week and we decided to cancel “The House”. I’m sorry for not consulting all of you sooner, but I hope you can all understand my reasons for doing so.

Fun Events!

Last, it is important to start building those relationships between students and students-and-adults outside of bible studies, and give students events to bring their friends to. Right now I am trying to plan two events:
· First, a night where students would meet at FOL (or the theater if they prefer) and go see The Gospel movie and possibly go get some ice cream after. They could invite their friends to this.
· Second, plan an event to see Roberto and Anthony as part of “Fantastic 5: Breaking Down Hip Hop Elements” on Friday Nov 4th at 8pm at the Wisconsin Union Theater. We can get as many adults and teens together to come and have a grrrrrrrreat time!

Thanks for making it through everyone! Pay attention for announcements about the “fun events” and let me know if you would like to come to either of them! And please help me find bible study leaders. As always, I am very very very open to ideas and concerns- I’m learning a lot as I go along here and know I have a long ways to go!

Just because I can, does that mean I should?

2005-10-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

Have found that I jump on all opportunities available to me- new but "better" jobs (i'm working at numbers 14 and 15 right now- i think), leadership positions (i have at least 6 as we speak... wait, no, 7), and learning (yes, the barnes and noble "wish list" is gettin' out of control).

But seizing every opportunity has lead me down both amazing and horrible paths.

Here I am, 21 (and so very close to 22) and in my first real youth ministry position. Hopefully this will be the first of very many wonderful positions. And I find myself pushed to take all the opportunities available to me. I feel like a youth ministry factory. Suddenly my church has their first youth minister in years (yep, that's me) and in the 3.5 months I'm here I'm supposed to start a junior high and high school ministry.... successfully.

WHAT? IS THAT POSSIBLE?

I doubt it. But even if it IS possible, does that mean I should do it? Nope!

So in a half and hour, I'm going to receive a phone call from my pastor, and during that call I'll be explaining to him why I don't think that a giant hip-hop-worship night with an international group of break-dancers and BMX bikers and live DJ's is the best way to start a youth ministry. And if he still wants us to do it, then I will continue planning-out the "The House"- Madison's craziest Youth Ministry start ever.

What's my vision for the start of a youth ministry? A few commited volunteers who really want to build relationships with students and a bible study or two for junior high and high school students. Once there are some commited volunteers, commited students, and solid relationships, then we can begin planning blow-out worship nights and missions trips. Until then it's about relationships and discipleship... that's it!

So, just because you can...
.... doesn't mean you should.

We'll see what happens!
God's will be done... right?

i stand on... ?

2005-10-09T08:30:00.000-07:00

You could say I jumped off the deep-in into Christianity. Not a cannon-ball, not a belly-flop, but a full out dive into the deep end headed straight to the bottom.

Less than two years ago I became who I am now- a flaming Christian. Is that a bad thing? Nope- JC is where it's at. But is that a good thing? Nope- i'm submerged in this Christian sub-culture and it's choking me.

Somehow when you are surrounded by christians all the time you start to believe what they believe and take it as true. If you hear that the world is flat over and over and over, you'll believe it. You won't have any proof, and you probably won't even think twice about it, but if you hear it enough, to you it somehow will become true. And maybe you'll start saying it, too, and other people will start believing it is true thanks to you.

Are Christians spreading lies? I in no way think it is on purpose. We just spread the cliches we've heard a million times. We have no choice but to- we hear them and our mind twists them into truth, and then they come out of our mouths from time-to-time. They may be true, they may be false, but rarely does anyone really take the time to see if they are our not.

I have all these mixed beliefs, these half-truths, and a shit-load of questions. Perhaps I jumped-off that diving board too fast or swam too deep. The real foundation of my beliefs are pretty damn shakey. And YES, faith is supposed to stabilize the shakiness- it is supposed to fill-up the cracks and help me stand upon something solid. But faith should fill in those cracks that cannot be filled by some known truth.

So i'm on a search for truth. Will my faith really hold up? I'm digging down through the muck of beliefs that have built up over the past year and a half and asking questions. Does God exist? What's with this salvation thing? If that was Jesus's main purpose for dying, why doesn't He say so? Or the whole "forgiveness of sins" thing? How can we trust the bible? How can we trust how we read the bible? (We always interpret.) What if we have severly severly missed the point? How come what the bible says and what christians think/believe/preach doesn't always match up?

I kinda wish it was just me and a bible stuck on a dessert island. If I never met any other christians, never heard anything about christ, never went to church, and didn't know anything about the bible except what i read in it, what kind of christian would i be? Or would I be one at all?

Seek truth- i believe fundamental truth exists, i believe it exists in Christ. After that- i'm not so sure anymore.

too much! too much? ?!?

2005-10-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

What is "too much"? When does life get too crazy. Do I have any idea of the amount that i can handle? Why to I have such a hard time when, in perspective, things are realitively good?

Why can't I handle stress right now?
Why could I handle just about anything this summer and now a dropped starbucks drink brings me to the edge of tears?

Why do I end up feeling like I want to cry/run/scream/puke so often?
Why am I over-joyed one minute and so broken the next?

When did I end up so weak?
Was I never strong, but always faked being "solid"?

Why do I appear so well put together, when in all reality, i'm a complete mess?

That's it... i'm a mess.

But my hope comes from GOD alone. And I stand upon him... right?
Then why am I more like a twig snapped in the wind than a strong tree that can withstand the strongest storm?

I am supposed to be weak, not strong.
What do you do when you aren't what you are supposed to be, and you want to be what you are supposed to be- but you just can't get yourself to move from who you are to where you are supposed to be?

You end up being a broken twig because a little breeze blew.
and now you are useless

am i useless?

ve·he·ment ad·ven·ture

2005-09-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

ve·he·ment

adj.

Characterized by forcefulness of expression or intensity of emotion or conviction; fervid: a vehement denial.
Marked by or full of vigor or energy; strong: a vehement storm.

ad·ven·ture

n.

1. An undertaking or enterprise of a hazardous nature.
2. An undertaking of a questionable nature, especially one involving intervention in another state's affairs.
An unusual or exciting experience: an adventure in dining.
Participation in hazardous or exciting experiences: the love of adventure.

my life